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Would a Gluten-Free Bullet Kill a Werewolf?

Going gluten-free is not a magic bullet to health, contrary to this article from Paleo Magazine.

If you have, in fact, experienced real intestinal damage at the hands of bread, pizza, cake, and beer, then your health is going to take a nosedive even after becoming gluten-free. Why? The body doesn’t heal overnight.

GF Magic Bullet | Gothic Granola

 

Mmm, cake… Eww, beer…

And if your diet was mainly bread, pizza, and beer–and even if it was all artisanal crap from Whole Foods Market–you probably have a lot of work to do on what you put in your body in order to experience optimal physical health.

 

A quick survey of GF people I know: they don’t get laid any more or less than the average, gluten-eating person. In fact, having food allergies is seen as an inconvenience (especially if you make your partners abstain from your allergen before kissing you or even being near you), thus lowering chances of having sex. No, I have not conducted empirical studies on this claim exactly. (I’m not in grad school yet!) But I did look up some studies on allergies and sex. Physical intimacy can be, well, rough for people who have life-threatening food allergies. Even their partner’s sexual fluids can cause a reaction. Allergy affinity dating groups, anyone?

 

GF Magic Bullet | Gothic Granola

 

This dog is gluten-free, true story, bro.

 

Back to the point about GF-ing not really helping your health right off: what is continuously (under)stated in most articles about being GF is that living a healthy lifestyle includes an abundance of whole foods: veggies, fruits, GF grains (or not), lean proteins, and healthy fats. This is really the optimal diet for anyone, whether you eat gluten or not. Few to no processed foods, low added sugar, low sodium, low (bad) fat…

 

If you chow down on the same types of foods, albeit GF, of course you’re still going to have health problems. GF beer, GF pizza, and GF bread are no healthier than their glutinous alternatives. They have about the same amounts of calories, and, if they’re commercially produced, about the same lack of whole grains and minimally processed ingredients.

Compare Freedom Foods TropicO‘s to Kellogg’s Fruit Loops. Minimal differences in calories and fat (major difference in sodium, though, with the TropicO’s coming out on top). Otherwise, it’s breakfast cereal, not a health food. 

 

This “going GF will cure everything” is the same fallacy as “Veganism helps you maintain your weight without any problems.” That is another load of BS. 

 

Going GF and vegan (either or both) will improve your health if you start eating healthier and exercising as a result of finding out you’re allergic or intolerant to something. There are two components here. One, being vegan and/or GF will keep a lot of processed crap out of your reach; it removes the negative. Two, you need to add the positive and get some solid advice on changing your diet to make sure you get all the nutrients you need.

 

So, really, suck on that. Don’t feed the GF substitute products industry any more of your paycheck. “Eat real food. Mostly plants. Not too much,” says food writer Michael Pollan.

 

Dear readers, I want to conduct an informal poll: Ask your gluten-free friends, please. This article already consults a survey about how often the average American has sex, so I want to know how often GF people get laid. This is probably a good OK Cupid/other dating website type survey.

My hypothesis? I don’t think being GF actually increase instances of sex.

Ask people you know:
Are you gluten-free: by choice, allergy, intolerance, Coeliac disease? (Pick one)
How often did you have sex before you became GF? (Answer in instances per week, per month, and per year.)
How often do you have sex after you became GF? (Answer in instances per week, per month, and per year.)

Let me know in the comments below!

2 Thoughts on “Would a Gluten-Free Bullet Kill a Werewolf?

  1. Pingback: Corporate Wellness is Fun! And Potentially Dangerous! | Gothic Granola

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