Gothic Granola

Dear $(6,4)@#: #foodallergyproblems and Truthful Cake

$(6,4)@# answers a question on his nineteenth birthday.

Scamp $(6,4)@# | vegan gluten-free | Gothic Granola

What’s the #1 thing you think everyone needs to know before dating a VGF person?

Deerer RS,

Not dat Ownie Q ain’t capable of answerin’ dis question hirself, it’s just better comin’ from me, $(6,4)@#. ‘Cos I give better advices. Ackshally I urge people towards vices, so that’s that ad + vice thing right thurr. Anyva, lemme put on some Celine Dion and tackle ur inquirewire.

Dere’s two parts to da number one thing everyone needs to know, and dey both velvet revolver around truth. Or da oppositter of denial.

To da person dating a food allergenic person.

Food allergies/intolerances and dietary restrictions are a real ting. In da words of the book title, “Don’t kill da birfday girl.” A bunch of stuff dat’s required ingredients in basic relationship recipe apply here: respecting limitations, honouring da other person just as dey are, und patience. 

I mean, why are u attracted to ’em in da first place? Are having food allergies a dealbreaker? If so, and Imma gonna reach my quill out and tickle ur nose about dis, what say ur gonna be allergy-free ur entire life? Compassion, young padawan, practice compassion.

Food allergies generally don’t go away. To manage ur expectashuns now: da GF girl who’s ur GF ain’t gonna be able to kiss ‘ooo after u drink beer neider now nor six monts from nau. Remember what ur partner does and does not eat. U’d want ’em to do da same for y-o-u. If you can remember what dey like in bed, den u can remember what’s safe for dem on da table.

Which brings us to a very important point, so much so dat Imma clean up my grammarz for a hot second:

Ask before you do.
Dis goes for two things:
  • eating in front of allergenic person
  • kissing food allergenic person
Some veg*nz don’t like to/can’t handle watching others eat animal flesh, smelling animal flesh, et ketera. Some straightedgers don’t like hangin’ around peepz who smoke/drink/do drugs. Some GFers are so sensitive they can’t be around gluten products. Ask. Dis is basic relationship stuff. Asking for permission/consent is sexy & empowerin’!
Por ejemplo: Ownie is gluten-sensitive, so ze avoids bakeries & hir mudder’s haus at da holidaze becuz of the aerosolized flour.
  1. Consider whether to eat an allergen at all da day or day b4 u see dem. Da allergens stay in ur saliva for a good four hours after consumption.
  2. Brush ur teeth after eating somethin’ wit da allergen(s).
  3. Floss. Particlez between da teef can cause issuez, 2.
  4. Rinse. Catch what’s floatin’ in ur mouth.
  5. Wait. Again, da four hour thing about stuff in ur saliva.
For dose of ye who like acronanonyms, dis is BFRW. Make up mnemonics at ur peril becuz I just thot up a naughty one.

Dis is to da food allergenic person on da dating market.
Numero uno, don’t lie. Don’t lie about having food allergies just to fit in. Just don’t. It’s not worth gettin’ all sick and reacted and worse because ‘oo didn’t open ur mout to say “hey ya I gots some issues with da nuts. Or da glutenz.” Or whatevers. While sharing a meal and eatin’ on da same foods is a fantabulous way to connect wit someone, because metaphyszikally ur takin’ in da same energiez, ya gotta eat what’s safe for u, U, Y-O-U, period, full stop, end of thot. Epipens are for emergency poizonings, not for fuckin’ around wit ur health. Harsh? Oui. Truth? Oui. It’z OK to say what u want, much more so what u need! If ur in a relationship where speaking up ain’t cool, den dat don’t smell like partikerly healthy pairing, just sayin’.

Numero dos, educate ur partner(s) on what you do and don’t eat, just as same as you educate ’em on what you do and don’t do behind closed doors.

In generalz, truthfulness in relationships is gonna help avoid relationshit.

In dis personal experience story of a girl wit nut allergies, her catchy title is dat da allergy made her “more monogamous.” Having allergies doesn’t have to make one monogamous! It just means one can’t make out wit random people at clubs ‘cos dey are probably not safe to kiss (especially wit a gluten allergy). If ur practicin’ dat ethical nonmonogamy thing (odderwise known as polyamory), ya just do what’s listed above: be honest, speak up, & educate ur partners.

Da door-kicker: if u allergenic person are in a relationship wit someone who won’t respect and doesn’t make a point of remembering ur food allergies, cut ties. Save urself da stomachache, intestinal damage, and/or trip to da emergency room. If dey don’t respect what you do/don’t put in ur mouth, den what else are dey not gonna respect?

For fodder reading:
Veg*n Ventures | Chocolate Hazelnut Tart
Vindaloo, Vampires, and Vegans

In sum, ask before you do. For all partiez involved.


$(6,4)@#’s collected works

~Back to Ownie Q~
[Ed. note: I have no clue who RS is or to whom I assigned the initials RS; I think I invented them for the purposes of this post.]

Speaking of truthfulness, the cake is not a lie. I made my own birthday cake.

pumpkin coconut birthday cake | vegan gluten-free| gothic granola


It was a two-layer deal, as described in Thursday’s blog post. The first layer was this coconut cupcake recipe, baked as a cake with solamente coconut sugar as the sweetener and King Arthur Flour ancient grains blend as the flour.


pumpkin coconut birthday cake | vegan gluten-free| gothic granola

The second layer was the (cup)cake(s) I made for Solstice in 2010. Of which I have no surviving pictures. [Ed. note: Backup HD to the rescue.]

pumpkin coconut birthday cake | vegan gluten-free| gothic granola



solstice cupcakes 2010 vegan | gothic granola

Black and White Cake
Modified from Moskowitz, Isa Chandra, and Terry Hope Romero, “Chocolate and Vanilla Marble Cupcakes,” in Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World: 75 Dairy-Free Recipes for Cupcakes that Rule (New York: Da Capo Press, 2006), 83-4.

1 cup nondairy milk (I used unsweetened coconut-almond and a bit of coconut milk leftover from the coconut cake layer)
1 teaspoon apple cider vinegar

1/2 cup vegan margarine (I used a stick of Earth Balance buttery stick-type)
3/4 cup coconut sugar
1 tablespoon arrowroot starch
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/2 cup sorghum flour
3/4 cup brown rice flour
3/4 teaspoon xanthan gum
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon sea salt
dash cinnamon

2 heaping tablespoons black (or Dutch) cocoa
3 tablespoons boiling water

Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Grease a 9-inch round baking pan, line with parchment, and grease the parchment.

In a large measuring cup, combine nondairy milk and vinegar and set aside to curdle.

In a large bowl, beat the margarine to break it up. Add the sugar and beat the shit out of it until fluffy. Add in the vanilla and keep beating until morale improves.

In a large bowl, sift together the dry ingredients. In a small bowl, whisk together the cocoa and water and set aside.

Add some nondairy milk mixture and flour mixture to the margarine mixture. Beat to combine. Add some more (I did it all in two additions). Beat on low speed until combined.

Pour about half of the batter into the baking pan. Stir the cocoa and water combination into the remaining batter in the bowl. Add the cocoa-ified batter to the pan.  Swirl the batters (or not) with a knife or sharp spatula. Place in the oven and bake for 38-40 minutes or until it passes the toothpick test and the top springs back to the touch.  Cool in the pan for half an hour before flipping onto a rack to cool completely.  Frost only when it is completely cool.

pumpkin coconut birthday cake | vegan gluten-free| gothic granola


pumpkin coconut birthday cake | vegan gluten-free| gothic granola


I made a note in 2010 in the cookbook that “texture is dense b/c of Earth balance.” No shit. Though the black and white cake is made with the mixer, the coconut cake turned out lighter. Hence, the coconut cake was the top layer.

pumpkin coconut birthday cake | vegan gluten-free| gothic granola


The cinnamon pumpkin pie cream cheeze frosting and topping is the vegan cream cheeze frosting recipe plus about a tablespoon of cinnamon and 1/4 cup of Trader Joe’s pumpkin pie butter. Instead of powdered sugar, I used one cup of coconut sugar.

pumpkin coconut birthday cake | vegan gluten-free| gothic granola

The frosting for the sides is about a third of the following recipe for “Twinkie” filling plus some more pumpkin pie butter.

pumpkin coconut birthday cake | vegan gluten-free| gothic granola

Cream Filling/Frosting
Modified from the NorPro Cream Canoe Recipes pamphlet

1 cup nondairy milk (I used unsweetened coconut almond)
5 tablespoons arrowroot starch

1 cup coconut sugar
1/4 teaspoon sea salt
1/2 cup shortening (I used organic palmfruit)
1/2 cup margarine (I used Earth Balance coconut spread)
2 teaspoons vanilla extract

In a small saucepan over high heat, cook nondairy milk and flour until thick, stirring constantly. Remove from heat once it becomes “gluey.” Scrape into a bowl and cool to room temperature (I chilled it overnight) before proceeding with the next step.

pumpkin coconut birthday cake | vegan gluten-free| gothic granola

With an electric mixer, beat the cooled milk-flour mixture until fluffy. Beat the shit out of it so there won’t be lumps. Beat in each remaining ingredient until uniformly combined. Use right away or chill until ready to use. Bring to room temperature before attempting to frost with it.
pumpkin coconut birthday cake | vegan gluten-free| gothic granola


Frosted the sides. Since I wasn’t trying to impress anyone but myself, I did a hack job on the frosting application.

pumpkin coconut birthday cake | vegan gluten-free| gothic granola 
Birthday breakfast!
pumpkin coconut birthday cake | vegan gluten-free| gothic granola
Note how dense the lower layer is. I like the black and white cake concept; maybe I will remake it with less fat or with “white” flours (tapioca, arrowroot, white rice…).

Parting shots:
My bro is awesome…cases of Bob’s Red Mill goodies!

pumpkin coconut birthday cake | vegan gluten-free| gothic granola

Baking for my Mudd friends: paleo pumpkin bread bars
pumpkin coconut birthday cake | vegan gluten-free| gothic granola
#31daysofsocks is over
pumpkin coconut birthday cake | vegan gluten-free| gothic granola
Just kidding! #diadelosmuertos
pumpkin coconut birthday cake | vegan gluten-free| gothic granola

Becoming gluten-free was the capstone to “bell, book, and candle” for me. Birthday presents to this pagan [Editrix’s note: Lies.] included such.


 Shakeology in a Guinness glass…yeah. Beer and bodybuilding don’t equate.

pumpkin coconut birthday cake | vegan gluten-free| gothic granola 
Vegan pica at my parents’ house after I did Insanity: apple, tea, teff-sunflower cornbread, green beans, Daiya mozzarella cheeze, and Sicilian sea salt. And a brownie. Because we’ll have VGF baked goods but not protein.
 pumpkin coconut birthday cake | vegan gluten-free| gothic granola

This month’s challenge exercises: Kick-Ass April and 30-Day Plank Challenge

One Thought on “Dear $(6,4)@#: #foodallergyproblems and Truthful Cake

  1. Pingback: Never Too Early for Pumpkin Muffins | Gothic Granola

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