Gothic Granola

The Advice Columnist on Survival and Detox, Part 1 o’ 2

In 2001, my brother and I invented Minapoo Mag, the official magazine of da cat family (of which there are 282 members with my acquisition of Jaeger).

Jaeger | Gothic Granola



Meet Jaeger, named after the protagonist in Carla Speed McNeil’s Finder comic series.

Anyway, all the cats collaboratively write Mina’s egocentric magazine.  The advice columnist is Mina’s son, Scamp, who recently turned 17.  Scamp’s not so good wit spellin’ (in the same way that da Ownie Q is not good wit crowds, srsly).  He’s one half of Da Inventor Brudderz—Scamp and Pepper—the kitties responsible for Seussian innovations in KittyWorld.

Scamp | Gothic Granola

Following this?  One day da cat family shall be a children’s book.  Catspeak is a combination of Roald Dahl’s BFG and natural silliness.  Basic rules: add z’s to plurals, make more plurals, omit most “TH” clusters, and call things by functions rather than names.

Scamp’s poor spelling resulted in his advice columnist alias.  It makes sense to him, but to the rest of us, it looks like profanity: “$(6,4)@#.”  Scamp shall filter the plot of today’s blog post.

Minapoo Mag, Vol. 11, Issue 11.

Dear $(6,4)@#,

How did the Ownie survive a three-day conference and remain vegan, gluten-free, and healthy?

Sincerely,
Willpower or Magick? Crowd

Dear Billiam-Powerers or Magickers,

Da Ownie don’t do no self-care ’cause it’s an optional thang.  It’s mandatory, udderwise ze’s a kooky mess and blockered artist.  And it’s witin yer paw-grasp to be a good self-carer, too.  Do it!

Brush your teeths, bring your teas, take breaks, read the news, dress comfortably, take a breather, take a breath, take another.  Make it a POEM—Plan, Organise, Execute, Monitor & Control applies to dis, 2.  Settin’ intentionz is underrated, in my not-sho-humbule opinion-onionz, and it was da Ownie’s intenshon for dis conferenz to be well throughout da event.

Videre licet (dat means lookie here ’cause it’s self-evidentz): the survival pax.  


 




From the bottom—
kale donuts, flaxseedz, dried fruitage, peanut butterage for two days, to be drowned in soybeanmilk tetrapax

Kale Donuts Dear Scamp | Gothic Granola

mid-mornin’ snackage:
roasted butternut squash seeds.



Dear Scamp Survival | Gothic Granola


On da Thirstday it was a container of cookie dough dip since dat could stay unrefrig’d for a few hours.

 

Dear Scamp Survival | Gothic Granola

I give you da recipe.

Cookie Dough Dip

Modified from Chocolate-Covered Katie

Q used two cans of beans, cannellini and chickpea
Sweetener was 1/2 cup agave
Used only 2 tablespoons of rolled oats
Used almond butter

Chunks of choice:
1 cup white chocolate chips
1/2 cup sliced almonds
1 cup raisins

Vitamix dat stuff and den stir in da chunks (in a separated bowl, of course).

Onto da lunches.

Microlunch extraordinaire: soymilk tetrapods, dried fruit n’ nuts, and Mary’s gone quackers (has she, now?)

Ownie once told someone ze was a little bit crazy since you are what you eat and ze eats mostly fruits and nuts.

[Nota bene: gender-neutral pronouns fit so well into da cat language!]

Dinnerz: Pacific Natural Foodz soup tetrapax
Kale chipz
Back to Nature sesame-rice crackerz

Kale chippage

half a bunch of kale, washed and dried the bejeeses out of, big stems removed, and torn into chippye size
1 tablespoon sunflower oil

Preheat da oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit.  Line a baking sheet or two with parchment or foil.  In a large bowl, mix the kale and oil wit yer paws, coating the kale well.  Lay the kale flat on da sheet and place on the top rack of da oven.  Watch those suckers ’cause they burn in a flash.  Bake for 12-17 minutes or until slightly dark and crisp.

 

Fun extras included:

  • chocolate gingerbread (thankies to da Ownie Mom for da recipe)
  • a selection of green & herbal teas
  • dried fruit
  • an extra microlunch (Ownie was able to bring a ‘fresh’ bento lunch on Thuhuhursday)
  • caramel corn (thank you again, Ownie Mom, for making shelf-stable snackage)
  • extra kale mini donuts and waffles
  • peanut butter
  • pumpkinseed butter

Tea
Ownieo is a green tea drinker.  Ze made shore to get to the tea, by using the in-room coffeemaker, getting hot H2O from the coffee tables during breaks, and by going to the ’bucks (Starbucks).  Ze did not drink as much tea as usual (usually three cups: one green, two herbal, leavin’ da bag in).


So dat was survival, and survival in the survival-iest sense.  Supplemented by a little fresh salad here and dere, Ownieo snacked throughout the day since mealtimes were uncertain. Overall, what with living on trail mixies and little sleep for tree days, Ownie needed a detox afterward. Dear readerz, I bid you adieu (to you, and you, and you) for the number one component of detox: sleep. Stay tuned.


Your deerer freund,
$(6,4)@#

Upcoming issues of Minapoo Mag:

  • $(6,4)@# describes Ownie’s Healing Regimen
  • From da Recipe Hut: Cheezecake Recipe Roundup
  • From da Recipe Hut: Undead Gingerbread

3 Thoughts on “The Advice Columnist on Survival and Detox, Part 1 o’ 2

  1. Pingback: Surgery Recovery Smoothie | Gothic Granola

  2. Pingback: Dear $(6,4)@# | Cats on a Cleanse Part 2 of 2 | Gothic Granola

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